My Confession

I haven't written in a while, and there is a good reason for it. I have come to many different realizations about myself since school ended in June. It is nearing the end of July now, and much has happened. I am not the same girl, and I never will be.

I started working as an intern in the public sector starting June. Most times in our lives, we dream up expectations-- a scenario we play out and fantasize in our minds until that moment really comes. Naturally, reality aligns with gravity to pull our heads out of the clouds and back onto the ground. Sometimes, the reality is better than what we expect. Other times, we are disappointed. I am at a point right now, where I'm not sure which category I fall into.

I sit in my office cubicle right now. On a self proclaimed break after lunch, I type this entry while biting my lip the hardest I've ever bitten. I wasn't sure what to expect with my internship, but I expected a high pace corporate environment. Call me naive, and I can now whole heartedly agree, but there was no way I could have known prior to this. A fine, fine line was drawn between the two causes. Perhaps the expected did happen in some parallel universe, but it sure as hell did not happen in this real world now.

I expected myself to study for my actuarial exam all summer without any trace of a 21 year old's social life. I wanted to be ambitious, I wanted to be studious, and I wanted it to happen. I daydreamed about my life as an aspiring intern during my classes; I imagined the luxury of being able to document it on my resume. At the same time, my probability test would go well, having intently studied it for the whole summer. After all, DC has a high crime rate. I would not want to be out and about partying in fear of getting murdered, the usual stories I see on the local news. My fantasies included me going to work, coming home and playing with the cats, and then spending a good four hours studying. My boyfriend would visit me and spend loving romantic evenings out in the town, exploring monuments. I laugh now at how ridiculous my hopes were.
Instead, fate seemed to find amusement in allowing me to make the most of what they say "Life is a curious thing." My two instances collide like black on white, never yielding grey. I found that the environment of a government office, particularly the one I work in, is very different. While my peers loathe their jobs, working on average about 80 hours a week, I enjoy half the hours of that in an understated laid back environment. In turn, sitting in an office cubicle under flourescent lights seems to sprinkle some sort of magical dust on you. I found myself yearning to go out and explore the night.

After becoming somewhat situated in the office, I embarked on my first trip where I was to meet other interns-- something I was rather nervous about. The day before, I had gingerly searched on Facebook, curious to see who else had joined the network of our workplace. TO my surprise, I had a friend! It turned out to be, who we will nickname, "Cloud". Cloud was a peer who I had met through an old friend years ago in Middle School at a summer program. It was such a coincidence, that we decided to have lunch together. Since I was nervous about meeting other interns on the trip (which was strategically placed the next day by God), I was quite happy to have met someone. I would not be alone on the bus ride.

Then, trip day happened. I am convinced now that this very day changed the course of my summer plans and ultimately my very being. Everything I ever believed was called into question during the weeks that continued afterward. Everything I thought I loved, thought I knew dissolved and manifested in something new.

It was the day I met him.

Him was everything, and for that purpose, we can call him "Alpha." He was like no one I had ever met before. The moment we spoke, I felt comfortable. Our conversation flowed so nicely; there were no awkawrd pauses, no judgment, no conscious efforts to keep the lines coming. The bus ride was long, but his very existence made time fly by so effortlessly. We talked about my boyfriend, about his girlfriend. Having been faithful for so long to one person, I had never been so disappointed in hearing someone of the opposite sex say he already had someone than that during that exact moment in time. It, however, was okay. Friendship was an appealing word, and I didn't mind. At the end of the trip, I had made up my mind that Alpha was the human embodiment of perfection. His face, his clothes, his kindness, his fusion'd accent, his goals all distracted me from any current commitment I had. Basically, Alpha was all I could have ever wanted. But this was surprising to me. His cultural background and race, as I shamefully admit, had previously been huge turn-offs for me. My roommates and I would talk the most senseless, irrational garbage about his people. My utter attraction to him transcended all reason, and it confused me.

After that trip, I dreamed about him, and I thought about him. However, his lack of interest pushed me away. Friends it is then..until the following Monday. Cloud invited another intern along with Alpha to go to happy hour for drinks and then to see a movie afterward. I had already told Cloud of my attractions and claimed him as my summer confidant. Hesitant about attending, I told him I might have to study. Dismissing such an excuse he lured me in with "Alpha will be coming." Sold.

That day, Alpha's kindness fed more and more butterflies to my chest. I ended up inadvertantly seated next to him during the movie. In the cold theater, I felt his body heat next to me warming me, and at that moment, it was such a terrific feeling mixed in with the adrenaline rush from watching the movie. The moment I fell was the moment he leaned his head in to speak to me. I couldn't hear over the noise of the movie, so I leaned mine down too. As we accidentally touched heads for a whole 10 seconds, my heart fluttered like I was in middle school again.
What began as a friendship, slowly began to mold itself into something else each time we texted one another after that. Each day, we would generate 250 text messages back and forth; they started out innocent, moved through flirty, and ended up suggestive. It was all set in stone when we set a day for him to come to my apartment and watch movies. In the end, no movies were watched. We lay in my bed listening to his music collection, and talked. I wanted to kiss his lips so bad; he was so perfect. We bonded for hours, talking about our personalities, our dislikes, our likes...everything. The conversation in the dark, ended up with a series of hard kisses. He must have wanted me too.

Later, Alpha confessed to me that upon the first impression, he thought I was pretty and started to mind what he wore to work during the week in case he saw me. That night was one of the happiest nights of my....life? Though this is debatable, whatever other happiest nights of life there may have been, this one came close to the best. And as time went by, my lust for Alpha blossomed into a strong wanting. As a result, the next time we met outside of the office, I slept with him. For that week, I threw away any responsibility and regard for my boyfriend, for his girlfriend, for self-respect. While some friends feverently egged me on, others mortified by my behavior expressed their disappointment in me. In the end, all that mattered to me was that I was having a summer fling with the most perfect guy I had ever met. There were two more times of intimacy after that, and my heart was sold to him.

I suspect many readers could already see the problems and implications that would result from this, and the rationality screaming out of my very left-brained mind did frighten me. At the time and shamefully still, I was/am blinded by a rush of cloudy emotions and desire even, and my heart refused to cooperate with my mind. This internal chaos resulted in an inevitable attachment. As much as men can blame past women for wrongs, and as much as past men can blame me for their broken hearts, I believe it is highly justified when someone says "Women become attached after sex." But time was running out. A 2 month internship that had just begun for me, was ending rapidly for them. Like that new Seattle movie with Jennifer Aniston, Alpha had an expiration date on his forehead.

People might question how a single person could change my whole outlook on life? I realized how much I had been limiting myself with my racist selections in partners, and how perhaps if I could give up myself so easily while in a relationship, well, how important is that relationship to me? I used to think, if I found someone I loved in college, I would be faithful no matter what..especially after the consequences of my first serious college relationship ended up in turmoil as a result of my own bad drunken judgment. I thought I had learned my lesson from that, and I did for the next 3 years. But the past 3 years of loyalty suddenly disengaged itself from me, and fell away so quickly. I began to think "I am young. I have the rest of my life to be with someone." But at the same time, I was too fearful to even dream about telling my boyfriend.

These emotions and fantasies, now melt into a different fear. As his last day in the office lies but two days from today, I find my heart torn as my eyes bleed mascara. His sudden distance reminds me of what kind of pain I will have to endure, and it's already starting. "I don't mean to ignore you," he says. "And I don't want to make you feel bad, but it will help not make me miss you when I go back."

Whatever wrongs I have done in the past, whosever hearts I have broken even collectively could not amount to the pain I'm feeling now. I had known that this day would come, and I had known that we would not be anything more than each other's summer conquest subjects. I was consciously and fully aware of the grave I had been digging for myself, but I didn't stop myself, because I wanted it. Although I had later realized through our time together that Alpha was not flawlessly kind or perfect and that he did annoyingly get angry over stupid things, I loved those imperfections. Although it is what it is, a month and a half of physical activity engaging two different people from different backgrounds, I learned so much about my own dependency and my own personality. How I become attached to things that matter to me, how I live in the moment without regard for the future, how I sacrifice things for others. Even when another girl was brought into the picture and I vowed I would never talk to him again, his skin, his eyes, his teeth, his kiss, his body, his tongue, and his....personality? all brought me back to him.
The last night we will probably ever spend together, as of now, probably can be assumed as the day I last saw him last week. As I slept on him that Friday night, in his dreams, he rolled over and held me tight before sleepily kissing me. A weary, half asleep murmuring whisper of "I love you." I said nothing back, because I knew he was sleep-talking. It made me think. I couldn't love him.

But if it wasn't love, what is it? I love my boyfriend of years; he who would wipe my drunken vomit away with his bare hands and he who I could tell anything to do. I couldn't possibly love a stranger I'd only slept with three times and seen for a month and a half. The intense rush I got from him, the comfort I felt while I was with him...I don't know his personality even that well, but in a cliche way, I feel as though I did love him as two souls would when they combine without any rational thought and purely based on feeling. I used to believe that love was based on purely emotion, but changed when I met my boyfriend. Now, I question it. If I would sacrifice so much for one man, and with the way he could render me so much pain... more than I ever felt with my boyfriend, it might as well be the kind of love I've always been questioning.

I sit now, mortified by my long blog entry and at the dramatic and cliche words I've put into it. But, the pathetic aspect of this is...that there would be no other adequate words to describe this experience. There is so much pain inside as I type, that it can't even be compared to how I felt at the worst point in my relationship with my current boyfriend. Then, I bawled and bawled until I could not any longer. That was easy. Now, I feel the pain inside, but my eyes refuse to cry out the tears. I want to cry them out, but there is so much weight inside, that I am numb. Now through Alpha, I know. My expectations for a purely career and academic related experience have been overshadowed by a personal discovery of emotion. Quite frankly, it is hard to admit in the midst of his exit from my life. While I am sure I will never see him again after this Thursday, I boldly explain my feelings.



I....love a stranger and I hate it.

Aunt Jodi = aw.....

AW MEANING ATTENTION WHORE.

Recently, I've been tracking this whole Jon and Kate Plus 8 situation. For those who are close and dear to me, I have been obsessed with JK+8 since the beginning of time aka the beginning of my college career.

Having that said, of course, everyone knows that there has been extreme media coverage lately...revolving around scandal, around deception, conflict....etc etc. It all ends with a big fat D-word. What else is new, right?

Well, we owe it all to Radaronline.com to bring us the latest meaningless celebrity gossip. One thing I noticed when I stumbled across the site, is that "Aunt Jodi" has been spewing her opinion on things. Apparently, untold secrets, the "insider's" view on things.

http://truthbreedshatred.blogspot.com/

There's a blog created by the spineless. The comments are disabled, because she's too afraid to view the results. If you're going to create a controversial blog with a bunch of middle-aged-woman-whining strewn together with a dash of random Googled quotes about "truth" in an attempt to sound witty, well...then grow a pair!

Honestly, people can say how much Aunt Jodi has suffered. Boo frikkin hoo. The only truth there is, is that Jodi is an AW (see beginning). If you do crave the spotlight but play it off like you're doing things to benefit other people's children, then stop doing interviews with incredible tabbie sites. If you take care of other people's children out of the kindness of your heart, it shouldn't matter if you get paid for doing it on camera or not. Furthermore, if you really cared about the well-being of the children, you would stop hogging the Radaronline spotlight and do something about it on your own.

Folks, Jodi is crying out for attention, and her sister is feeding it and feeding it with this blog. The same woman who thought it was alright to give toddlers gum, the same woman with that blank dim-witted stare has been simply jealous this whole time. Her sister-in-law lands a show on TLC. You can say all you want about how this isn't true, how she is not jealous, but the fact is, when you go on a Radaronline.com interview spree, you're showing the world that you wanted the fame and attention all along.

When I watch their video, I feel like the resulting feeling of tremendous irritation is mostly caused by the fact that these are not intelligent people. They are jealous, slow individuals who have to settle for an online tabbie in order to satiate their hunger for fame. They pretend to care about the well-being of their nieces and nephews, yet they publicly denounce the children's parents. Psychiatrists will tell you anything you want to hear if you pay them enough. They can be pretty convincing too. But, just look at that picture. Do these people look like they need much convincing? It probably takes their brains 24-48 hours to process information.

Aunt Jodi, sporting the traditional witch look needs to tone it down and stop acting like an innocent victim. A woman with two rowdy children can NOT tell a woman like Kate how to raise eight. Absence of a vertebral column must run in the family. And..her husband...I....mh. There are no words to describe him. The picture tells a BILLION words.

Lay off the weed, bud.

Update on Flash and BB Games

I've been addicted to a couple of flash games by Armour Games. For reference, the most popular one is "Castle Crush," which is pretty addicting. All of their games listed under "strategy" are WONDERFUL. Really w-onderful.

You get this catapult with an assortment of rocks and later (surprise) something else. You try to topple the complex kingdoms, hoping that the beams will hit the King, Queen, Knight, Squire, Princess. There are a couple of levels, and some you can beat with one hit-- others are a different story.

In other news, as a prospective crazy cat lady, I found a fun virtual cat show/breeding browser-based game. It's called Pure Felinity...and...very appropriately with the domain name purefelinity.com. I am allowed to have up to 2 accounts, which can be linked. This is a pretty awesome feature, because not many games allow you to link your accounts (ie: unlimited number of transfers of items and money between them, reference to the other on one's page). I'm a basic member as of now, but who knows? I may upgrade to Star quite soon. It is addicting, but not time consuming. Mmmh I like it. Reminds me of MissBimbo, although MB is much more of an unintelligible sort of addiction created by someone merely 2 years my senior....and bummed off of a French original.

Ouai ouai....ce'st trop mal.

Epilogue

Why doesn't it feel like my birthday still?

OH RIGHT, because my stupid boyfriend stumbled in drunk at 3AM when he promised he would come back before midnight to watch movies with me!

(｡◕‿‿~｡) ♥

It's about 15 minutes until my birthday in West Coast time; 2 and 3/4 hours past East Coast time.

Only one person has wished me Happy Birthday, and it was...on Facebook.

My boyfriend went to party with some friends, despite having promised me his return to at least count down to midnight.

I only turn of legal age once.

Chopchopchop. It's okay.

"I personally believe that U.S Americans..."

I was watching the whole MTV college life show yesterday during my study break. It pains me a little, knowing that this university is supposedly better than my university, yet the people are so stupid. I often wonder, if I had gone to a private institution or even Ivy League, would I still feel like this? Probably.

Although I can be lazy and although others may get better grades than I do, I have this complex where I am not limited to think, but in fact I know I am smarter than 90% of my peers. This may or may not be true, but unfortunately I do have this complex.

There is supposedly this "studious" girl on the show. I don't quite remember her name; I've only seen the show once. It really annoys me when people think it's terrible that their parents want them to work hard in school; apparently, this girl only got good grades because she was pressured by her parents.

Of course, this girl is young. She just started college. But, isn't it common sense that getting a good education is pertinent to a comfortable lifestyle? She started crying about how she was sick but had so much studying to do. Old news, girlfriend. That's what happens in the real world. That's what it takes to make it in this world. But...suddenly I remembered something.

It lead me to think about all the stupid, famous people you see on TV. Most of them barely graduated high school at all. Our Green Day coined "American Idiot" society has allowed us to get rich and famous by virtually just being moronic. We have talentless weirdos in "Love with..." shows or people who get famous from highly synthesized songs riddled with heavy bass and auto-tuned vocals. Octomom's a really dumb b-word, but she's become famous as a result of it.

Who knows who Paul Krugman is? Who knows who the last Nobel Laureates of Physics were? Very few. In our day and age, intelligence seems to matter very little. In fact, the more so you lack the intelligence, the more rich and famous you seem to be.

It's okay, Yoichiro Nambu. There there.

But furthermore, many of my peers don't know anything outside of their concentration. Not to be pretentious, but it'd be nice to care a little about the future and well-being of humanity. People don't seem to know what's really going on in Iraq, or what the Israeli-Palestinian conflict entails. Granted, it may not seem important, but in the long run, we are part of the international community. Whatever happens in it, affects everyone. It may seem like at the time, making a spreadsheet of credits and debits is more important, but no. Any wrong move made by anyone in the international community could cause another World War and ultimately end everything. Apocalypse isn't as far as it seems.

On the other hand, although I'm moderately politically Conservative myself, I don't find global warming ridiculous. This is not to say that I am by any means a hippie, because I'd prefer to not have my hair spewing from under my sleeves, but it's ridiculous how people think global warming is a ploy made up by crazy liberals. This is a very good example of people not having enough knowledge outside of their concentration. You can analyze the rate of the temperature increasing and look at all this data from previous researches. It's not a lie; just because all you know happens to be about Political science, does not mean that you know about the world.

Of course, no one can know everything, but I cherish those who have mundane views. I pride myself in my choice of variety, and hold others to a similar standard. By 2010, I may not be a Harvard graduate, but I'll probably know more than one.

Confucius says:

Upon feeling completely hopeless about my two finals (refer below), I decided to tell my dad on Gmail. He has this thing with spewing out this Chinese-proverbial-esque sort of wisdom. The conversation that ensued was (concealing the screen names for obvious privacy reasons):

(me): my classes this quarter are incredibly hard...
(dad): human like a sponge, can be squeezed and give more when squeezzed

I guess that's true. Thanks, Dadfucius. I'll take it one step further though..I should make like a shamwow.

Watch out you little eigenshits...