Sunny

I am a fair weather blogger. Lots has happened since August.

My list in a nutshell:

1) I headed down south and paid a visit to the Mountain States more so to see my high school crush/obsession. We had a weekend fling, and we talked every day for a while until I realized my only purpose was to satisfy an ordinary college kid's libido. There goes that.
2) Inadvertently, I served my purpose as a homewrecker. Twice.
3) Last semester, I received the worst grades known to my educational record. Vastly unprecedented and very sad.
4) I got a new boyfriend. Although the consequences laugh at me for finding the one genius yet mentally ill boy at my University.
5) I worked as an Intern for a large bank in downtown Seattle. It was terrible, and made me realize how much being an average "grown up" sucks.
6) Soon, I will be graduating. Don't have a job.



That's all folks. For now.

Yes and No

Turn Offs
1) Asian ricers
2) Braces
3) Emotional sensitivity
4) Fobby-ness aka extreme girlyness
5) Cocky attitude
6) Facial hair
7) Loose jeans falling off the ass
8) Creepy male clingyness
9) Stupidity
10)Lanky, skinnyness

Turn Ons
1) Cute smile aka straight teeth
2) Non-emo glasses
3) Height
4) Intelligence
5) Wit
6) Nice back, nice arms
7) Axe
8) Dry humor
9) Hot voice
10)FITTED clothes

Omega

Alpha texted me. He asked me to talk. It started with "I need to talk to you." Taken aback from his ignoring me, I replied "About what." The following message caught me by surprise.

Just basically I've ruined everything with my gf and i just thought id make it official that i'm going to not talk to you anymore i've just felt so guilty about it all and i pretty much messed up something with the only person i can see myself with.

WHAT? It's my fault? Thoroughly angry, I replied:

Ok? What are you expecting me to do, feel bad for you? I mean you're a little late. You ignored me for days and only now telling me youre gonna stop talking to me. Dont play it off like youre the only one losing in this because i lost badly too. Dont forget how you flew your ex up to dc so as if you didn't mess it up already. I'm sorry that you fucked things up with her and only now feel guilty about it but you acted liek a complete jerk to me and then made me feel bad for cnofroting you with my feelings. So now its my turn to disregard yours. Goodbye.





BRIDGE BURNED.

Neverland

We all know what a Peter Pan complex entails, and we all go through some sort of phase to get us through it.
But, through my studies, I've realized that there's one group of people who never fully recover. They can't be full rehabilitated into a state of normalcy; this is to say they never grow up. Simply, these people are men.
I am a hyporcite then, having been unfaithful myself. But I've learned to confront my mistakes and answer my own questions. Crying is something I want to do often; it's hard to push back the tears. But the key is to stop before you even think about it. Crying shows that you feel bad for yourself; why feel bad for yourself over something completely stupid? Is another pile of bones, muscles, tissue defined by a Y chromosome really worth a lapse in mental and emotional health? I am reaffirmed by this article. Men think differently, and it's up to the women to put up with it for the sake of her own sanity and power.
At the same time though, don't be a feminist. Women have a natural role in life; and being a man or "equal to" isn't that. There is a way to female power, and walking in the footsteps of a man isn't it. I feel like, if life were a construction site...a woman, instead of trying to match the number of bricks the last man carried to the site, should be trying to rivaling the next woman to the top position overseeing all the workers; controlling them.
Things are complex as they are. There is no reason for us to regress to a neverland.

Food for the heart

"Modern Love - Those Aren't Figthing Words, Dear"
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html


I realize the hard part hasn't even started yet. Women can be dramatic, but men's problems are far more complex.

Commentary to come later.

Petition to Drop the Melo

Because isn't all drama technically drama? I pondered this for quite a while on the metro this morning and then proceeded to the office, where I did no less. Because, yesterday an angry and rathe

r irritated Alpha expressed his disgust toward my drama, claiming that I was being "emo and crap."
Then I thought, "This is true." How many times have you looked out the window while a mellow song played on your ipod, and you felt like you were in a movie? Yes, blame the movies. Our lives a

re plain and simple. There are bad times, there are good times, there are OK times. In the end, when something sad happens to us, there isn't a theme song that plays just for us as the rain falls delicately against an old white rimmed window pane. Rather, when we're sad, it's because of a chemical and hormonal reaction. What's dramatic about that?
This isn't to say that people are purely chemical, but...well. It is.
I decided that in the end, it was a little strange for me to miss Alpha and our times together but ultimately not feel devstatedly sad over it. Two posts ago, I was terrible. I went home and

cried out all the pain. Well, I suppose it worked, because now I have none. What does this mean? I'm not sure. Maybe once I was done crying about it, I could get over it more easily.
The heart doesn't break-- you break your own heart by believing you're sad and doomed.

Changes

Start of a new day. A new mindset.

Typically when I get my heart broken, my life is ruined for about a month. But the last time this happened, I was 18.

I'm a 21 year old woman now. I don't need this kind of drama in my life when I have other things to live for. I have God to live for. I have me to live for. I have people who actually give at all to live for.

Yesterday I got back to my apartment, and forced myself to cry for hours and hours until there was nothing left to release. I confronted the problem for a while and thought about it for a long time. I'm still thinking about it. But what is the use in telling someone who doesn't care just how hurt you are? Someone angered by my hurt is not someone worth misering over.

In the end, I've learned that I'm not the victim unless I make myself the victim. If I stop caring and if I forget what happened, then I am just another college girl who engaged in some wrong summer fling instead of a victim of a pseudo-player's heart break.

To be strong for real and make this a turning point in the story of my transformation into a woman, I will have to deny him. If he comes back to me later apologizing, I will have to resist and not take him back. In the past, I've done this, but this time I promise myself, it's over. There is not enough time to care so much about one man or live my life based on someone else's. If things go wrong, I won't beg anymore. I won't be pathetic.

It'll be hard but I'm going to make it happen because I refuse to be a girl, a tally in someone's mental book of conquests and sorry women. I'm finally going to have control.

Aand..Cheers to that, mate.